what makes a man a man? domination over women. excessive outbursts of reassuring ego strokes. needs to hunt for prey. a lack of empathy. an emphasis on problem-solving and an ignorance toward relational conversation. physical, brute competition for the sake of cultural glory.

i must own, at least partially, this nature of objective-based views on all there is to see and, paradoxically, the subjective values that drive them. but i’m ashamed to admit it. the possibilities of humanity burst with light, yet i shadow it almost entirely with my own self-centered quest for gratification and fame.

if only i could release the predatory nature and not be upset when i lose at the littlest matches of billiards. there are reserves of energy decimated by an unproportionate focus on earning status. understanding this knowledge simultaneously creates its opposite, a giving persona improving the wellbeing of the world. all the energy i expend on music, is it worthwhile? or am i chasing fanfare and praise to assert my existence on a planet of equals?

in an interactive context, this applies especially well. strolling down pavement, i catch lightning-fast judgements thrown at unsuspecting victims. it then becomes a responsibility to correct the inaccurate, presumptuous heuristics. but the damage is already done. the negativities are transmitted, if not in words, in alpha and beta brain waves. i scold my processing for such rude behavior, yet it still leaves me baffled. how do i reprogram a reflex? or, for more research-oriented folk, what factors taught me these despicable manners?

if you accept, i’ll concoct a visualization of a fair universe where prospects are actually given a chance to prove themselves before getting thrown into a labeled basket.

it’s an end-to-end, twenty-four hour cycle with no pity toward the situations of others. everybody keeps their own standards, which are classified on a three-dimensional scale to reflect their complexity distant from “higher or lower”. quirks and eye-catching features are studied, embraced, and loved instead of inventoried as fearful and taboo. after all, if each of us followed inner-voices in search of a tailored mission, outcast would no longer be distinct from human.

i’m fully aware of the outfits and conversations i try on. with strange answers and piling questions, people are right to gulp, tingling with an overwhelming need to slow down or escape. i act this way because of immovable tendencies rooted in curiosity.

what can be adjusted, on the contrary, is the patience slathered between building blocks. euphoric, zooming, fast-paced dialogue relies upon clocks and clocks of hours as its source of nutrition. the trusting relationships i seek initially call for stripped down approaches toward transactional familiarity. the undertaking is grueling, especially for a rabbit like me, but it’s nevertheless absolutely crucial to correctly establish a lasting connection.

which drops us at the conundrum of why i skip the building process and hop linearly to “like family” — i believe i’m right.

the hubris of my network is an entitlement to superiority in regards to fresh faces. not necessarily a standoffish attitude, but more of a strict adherence to how i socialize. instead of meeting in the middle, i’m roping recruits into a line and attempting to drag them closer.

no one seeks out friction in a relationship, but tragically enough, i’ve still been burning those near, dear, far, and wide.

– D K T


life ends. why pretend

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