clinging to control

my fixations on work, hobbies, music, school, perfection, after-school activities, pressures, expectations, scores, streaks, and literary functions are all especially demanding. i think i like to spread myself thin and expose the brain to both ends of the earth. however, i’d like to believe there’s a second motivation. along with the pleasure gained by knowing loads of information (prepping for all the dad questions), the rush and excitement of quick learning curves and hyper-advancement pull me in every time.

this blog can be an example. i’ve disappointed the goal of daily posts, but isn’t that because school just started up? or on a different note, i missed the deadline to release a second EP over winter break, but the questions preventing me from finishing are still on my plate. do i release beats created from the piano-drum-looper setup? or do i continue on with auxy to electronically compile complex patterns? the former relies on simple, heavy repetition with a laid back approach to emphasize the lyrics. the latter foregoes the stripped-down approach to flex creativity and push boundaries off the map, through the floor, and down through the dirt with the intention of planting seeds for a niche style.

moving on, it’s these types of dilemmas that stall progress. why don’t i just try one, and then attempt the other? it’s this belief in adherence to strict values and core assumptions. confusingly enough, i don’t want to live freely. i want the satisfaction of perseverance by sticking to a principle so strong it gravitates me toward its corresponding decision. but, in retrospect, i phase in and out of multiple viewpoints. and for what reason? where is the gain in cycling through archetypes?

could it be the portrayal of heroism poisoning reality? in movies, books, and plays, principle characters hold fast to their beliefs. through all the turbulence, they emerge victorious, in part because the good was there in the beginning. whether it was taught by the wise elder, reinforced by the parents, or shown through love, their understanding of life looks so pleasant. i imagine weeks would be an easier maze if their shades were split into recognizable themes.

even if i fully comprehend the negative consequences of a wrong choice, i often still pluck out that short stick. this seems to be the variant in comparison to hollywood. the climax of my story, ever evolving, is scratched and dented with mistakes.

this aspect of wrongdoing is a main motivator pushing me toward tight manipulation and strangled overwatch. i work so diligently to keep the edges present that they crumple as soon as i take a break.

a wiser being would let their perceptions tear apart and crush inward. the leftovers would be the true identity. despite the ugliness of a natural resemblance, they’d be liberated from personal and societal expectations.

i ought to forego my detailed agenda for the itinerary of a vacation, where decisions are made upon the waking moment of each day. our ability to project ourselves into long-term paradigms is incredible, but it’s not the answer to unhappiness.

according to my own experience, i sense the greatest aptitude for inner peace after i’ve meditated. once extra has been melted away, i can finally move briskly without the weights and chains of accountability, nothing more than lifestyles chosen by myself at a spontaneous spot in time, slowing me down.

that should be the goal. it should never be a fictitious, cinematic emblem.

– D K T


life ends. why pretend

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