infinitesimal

i ran across a close acquaintance today. they asked me, “what’s the point?”

this common feeling of inadequate mixed with existential incompletion comes and goes like sunrises through living room windows. it’s gone for a stretch of time, then blinds fields of vision trying to catch a glimpse of the outside world. when craning necks are blasted with this dilemma, it discourages extrinsic motivation.

the most frequent activity harboring this unanswered query, for me, is exercise. often enough, i’m so wrapped up in health, fitness, and physique that i lose the reason for sacrifice. models are strewn across billboards, gym rats are busting out, or firmly fitting, their Dri-FIT apparel, and atypical classmates strut into the room a few steps above us all in the fashion department.

my initial response to these stimuli is internal planning. “how can i get closer to where they are?” on goes this brainstorm, raging thunderously and demanding all my attention until i’m burnt out. then i don’t want to be like anyone or anybody. i hope to be no one because i realize how much effort, practice, education, and experience appearances charge our psyche. i naively strive to climb that ladder in a sliver of the years it took these moguls to effectively portray such vibrancy.

here, at the bottom, where high-pitched ends to sentences suffer no call-and-response, is where negative comparisons come into play. the wistful drive for improving action is at sea level while i contemplate my shortcomings in a well below. but “what’s the point” is special, for it holds an actual answer sent down from my conscious. unfortunately, it spells out “there is no point”.

this degradation of willpower is brutal, as a participant and a witness. the human mind is passionate and considerate, not flat and hopeless.

though, as the water naturally rises and i ascend with it to the surface, my thoughts gain a crisp edge. i see that this torrential downfall all stemmed from observation and shallow examination. by emphasizing envy for other body types, my true reasons, much more complex than physical stature, lost their weight.

you want to know why i actually have such intense fixations on health? extending beyond my obsessive personality type, i enjoy the flexible adaptions that become available when fit. i’m able to help others lift heavy objects, continue conversations when walking up stairs, and attempt recreational sports without a training period. a strong body grants access to different ways of life, therefore increasing the variety and excitement of each day not taken for granted.

now, as i dangle my legs over the lip of the stone cylinder, i pluck a chord deep within my history. it’s not just about plasticity; it concerns the biological information i’ll pass on to the next generation. assuming a line of offspring are in the picture, my reproductive DNA are, at least partially, a product of my present behaviors. all hardships and improvements i expose myself to have potential to help the next blood-related freckle-monsters. this holds an even tighter grip for women, who’s reproductive DNA create offspring based on the information of that child’s grandmother (an interesting google search).

and with this refreshing retention of understanding, i’m moved to continue my pursuit of health.

with each hardship you face, if it’s an honest challenge, you’ll probably doubt yourself. i’m filled with them. in that dark trench, give your mind a minute or so to reach back into the inner ether and rope back in the genuine, altruistic reasons for your actions.

the infinitesimal scale of truth is easy to misplace, but at least we always know where to find it.

– D K T

Published by dktindepth

Passionate writer. Avid reader. Music obsessor. Spiritual student.

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