I’m writing about trust, or a lack of it. The bar is set pretty low for everyone, including myself. Building an accountable personality may be the most difficult challenge I’ll ever face.
trust. what a concept. is it even possible to know how to not love less? why do i not permit rest? what mechanism taught me that i don’t need checked?
one of my faults is i know best. another is i don’t really listen to a prospect. i’m the superior competitor of chess. any move made is a memory in my head.
but deep down, i don’t really hold any confidence. i’m not proud. built up crowds of remorseful doubt. failures reinforce my haunted house.
when you don’t think others are endowed and know that i’m not who i show around town, who can still live by a vow? is God absolute or just a cult in gowns?
i’ve been asked to honor their word. they’ve got a past with the same amount of hurt. every third thought i have may work, but if i follow them, that percentage may curve upward.
difficult to not want to be first. self-centered is an automatic burst. learned how to squint with a skeptical lurk. educated in one drawn out blur.
heard about syndromes with a diagnosis of an imposter clinically focused on the “why nots” of identities chosen. not the first time that i’ve been noticed.
takes seven tries to remember one slogan. patience could renovate my motive. vagrants could be promotions but i gotta unload my psychosis.
– D K T