the only way to really get started is to start from behind

there is so much to a beginning. the exodus makes sense — the pieces are all on the board. but its origin is forever questionable. how does any destiny “begin”?

it’s that feeling when you want to push yourself to do more. when the little and big responsibilities aren’t a burden, but a necessity to move forward. once you are elevated to a plane of purpose and your passion is an undercurrent instead of a wave, that’s when you’ve truly begun.

soon afterwards though, we start to look around. in one delicate moment, we see how far we still have to go.

do not let this deter you, for the only way to really get started is to start from behind.

to ground this, i’ll share my recent experience with music. i was writing soft, indie rap songs with only piano and drums. they were fine. down to earth but deep below where the molten nickel stirs.

then i discovered Scarlxrd. if you don’t know who my favorite artist is, you should look him up. it’s a little on the hard side of the spectrum (screaming hip-hop) and that’s what reeled me in without resistance — the resonating pain. this led to similar artists like Ghostemane and $uicideBoy$. i also recommend a casual browse among their work if you can spare the time.

all of a sudden, the soft indie rap didn’t have the same intensity, literally and figuratively. so i took a couple weeks off and didn’t feel like i was missing much (rare for me to avoid the onslaught of guilt from not working hard enough toward a future i constantly crave to taste). i was about to make a significant pivot in my amateur’s amateur music career.

so i went back to my beat-making software Auxy and was struck by the potential of my previous beats. it wasn’t simply that they were functional. the expression of pain simmered similar to Scarlxrd, Ghostemane, and $uicideBoy$. and i wanted to make them boil.

this is that moment i spoke of above. for the next week, i produced three (screaming hip-hop) songs. quantity aside, they energized me. insecurities fell behind this new expression because it felt like me. it sounded like me. it reflected no image, but pure being.

it’s an emotional experience to watch yourself act in harmony. to be aware that you’re being directed by your subconscious and you actually understand its script.

i compare this euphoric drive to starting from behind because of its urgency. if you feel rushed, like the actions in your purview are hoarding all gigabytes of RAM, that’s starting from behind. but when it’s simultaneously felt with a rich sense of fulfillment, that’s exercising destiny.

i do hope this helps you pursue the wafting hints of your own destiny if you haven’t already sensed it. i cannot explain my impending, fateful pursuits with words. however, i can live them. and we took our first deep breath this week.

– D K T

boredom is about the place, not the person

don’t you love being bored? sitting there like a lost puppy not wanting to be found, but not wanting to run away?  me too. it’s up there with torture.

but if you’re getting bored, like i was before writing this post, take a look around. where are you? the same place you always are on a wednesday afternoon? the same city you’ve been in your entire life? it’s no wonder we run out of engagements if we mine from the same pit all the time.

so here it is. if you find yourself bored as a wooden plank in a scrap pile, this is what you need to do:


just get up and walk out. you know why people were so productive and powerful in the mid-20th century? smoke breaks. no, the toxic tobacco and nicotine aren’t what i’m talking about. it’s the action of removing oneself from an environment to do nothing. once we start moving away from what we’re used to, we begin to wake ourselves up again. it’s instinct. your mind wants to understand what’s happening around your body to be aware of any danger. this awareness is crucial to getting back in touch with your willpowered-up alter ego.

you should leave right now. i’ve gotten my point across so i’d rather you head out and experience this rush of present-moment-attentiveness than bore yourself with my prose.

if you do happen to stay, let’s take ourselves through a scenario in the first-person.

i’m sitting here at my desk and i’m bored. there’s no one around to talk to. it’s quiet. it’s lonely. there’s nothing pressing on my plate to tackle.

now problem-solve that paragraph of monotone drab.

why don’t you stand up and stretch? why don’t you call up a family member or friend for a quick game of catch-up? why don’t you put some music on? why don’t you see if anyone around you could use a helping hand?

now i have options. if you’re bored, don’t drill the “i should be”s and the “i need to”s into your brain because it’s simply going to text back “l8r”. approach yourself with questions instead. these questions can spike curiosity and since we don’t like unknowns, you’ll start looking for answers. BAM. on your way out of the vicious cycle of boredom.

yes, i’m often a hypocrite, but today i wasn’t. just ten minutes ago, after that last paragraph, i tried what i typed. i went outside, talked with my sister on the phone, talked with a coworker in person, used the bathroom, and made coffee.

how do i feel?

energized. i haven’t even drank the coffee yet either. all those little unknowns lifted me like a caring mother lifts her newborn baby and tucked me back into my groove. i now plan on personalizing my blog page and typing an essay for school. and i’m honestly looking forward to it.

you’re probably bored by now, so leave this blog. i’ll be okay.


– D K T

you’re not who you’ll be

it’s pretty easy to get caught up in the image of others, so much so that we begin to own pictures that are not our own. i obsess over new artists and in turn begin to emulate their style in my music. more than that, i begin to think of my future in their terms. how horrific, right?

if you want to love who you are, you must understand a couple things. we are not who we’ll be and our future is up in the air like a balloon without a string.

if you go back five years, do you think you could’ve guessed what interest currently absorbs your free time? don’t get overconfident here. the answer is no. our world is constantly evolving, growing, connecting and breaking apart over and over again. whatever comes of that harvest is unique because the soil it came from was different than anything before and anything after. this doesn’t mean don’t keep a planner or use a calendar. you most certainly need to stay organized. but what i’m talking about is thinking you can count on yourself in the future to be someone you think you’ll be. we do not know who we’ll become because we do not know what events will transpire in the meantime. we are a product of our genes, yes, and we are also a product of our experiences (not to mention that our experiences can alter our genes too). stop putting all your mental energy toward those fantasies. instead, there’s a better alternative.

be the fantasy. i get so lost thinking about how i’ll be in the future. my expectations for my future self, a growing artist, are intense enough to affect the expectations of my present self. if i think i’ll be writing and performing music daily for hours and hours in the future, that doesn’t mean i have to be doing that now. why not? because i’m also in school, have a job, and am involved in a student organization. and fulfilling these expectations i have now are much more gratifying because the feedback is right there behind the action. of course, i still write, record, and perform music in the present because it’s what i love. the aspect i’m trying to change is feeling upset with myself for not having an instagram with concert shots portraying a screaming audience. or wishing i used fl studio instead of auxy even though the content is just as professional.

i’m still proud of my more simple, personal pictures on instagram. they retain an extraordinary amount of meaning. i just forget about them too easily in the greater zoo of social interaction.

i still feel that rush and excitement when listening to my beats. i just forget about their individuality in the bombardment of the music industry.

be overly confident about who you are now. this is the dream right here. this is the fairy tale. be proud of what you can accomplish in this moment. naturally, we all move to improve. so let that take care of itself and enjoy the fruits resting in your hands. leave the rest to ripen.

– D K T